Moved.

It's over. Moving on.

State of selves

Limping to the MRT station this morning you see, again, a dog walking w/ broken leg, staring at you; you begin to believe, yet again, that you're the star of a bad movie. Circumstances at lunch cohere: the kitchen serves shrimp -- you're allergic & left to buying a value meal for over 100 pesos, the drink of w/c you tip over, leaving some of you fries swimming. You still owe for those shrimps.

The director of this movie sends you messages thru puddles & steep steps. Pain is a reminder of something significant. You take a pain killer for a calming kind of forgetfulness. Thoughtlessness is key.

You're beginning to understand a new kind of fear, the type that comes when nothing of yourself seems troubled save for everyone that keeps you calm, who, before your eyes, begin dissolving amid a whirl of expectations & things silly, like responsibility.

A core dependent on the centripetal, you lean harder on only 1 good leg. The aircon doesn't work; your undershirt is thick. The coffee canister's newly filled; you've run out of sugar. You begin to write something; you've lost sight of your own point, & you wonder if it would've mattered at all to begin w/.

For what tomorrow entails you say:

1. Don't give up.

2. Hang in there.

3. This is important/nothing; you will be great.

But for now, you settle w/ banging your head on the proverbial wall, w/ hiding in the cliche cave, w/ running off far & away w/ only the company of a calmer sense of breathing. For just a moment, away w/ perspective, perceptions, or anything akin to thought!

Cuz what is it all really but just constructs of a rattled mind, the realm in w/c silly directors work & play for the title genius. 

Salt to wound, you raise a middle finger. Someone understands.

3 nights at work

(1)

I don't know what drives a man close to 30 to loop "Puff the Magic Dragon" on his iTunes for his co-workers to listen to, but I'm dealing w/ it, hearing about frolicking & a land called honah lee for the nth time this evening. Oh, wait -- he's moved on to a rock song about Jesus Christ. Great. 

On our 1st day on the job, noticing my limp, he confided in me that he had had surgery too. For brain cancer apparently. I've learned to accept that such life tragedies can lead to listening to songs like "Puff the Magic Dragon." 

He assumed his opening up would win him some sort of leverage in terms of friendship. Funny the thoughts that enter people's mind upon just meeting someone.

Oh, he's leaving now. And I'm alone. Good.

(2)

I'm sitting alone in our corner office. It's payday; the others have left early. I have deductions to my pay; under time. I suppose that's why I'm still here. The next couple of days could see me leaving early or arriving late; errands to run in school before exam week. I need the quiet anyways. I'm in 1 of those moods: I need to be alone. Could say why but I'd be speculating, second-guessing myself. Best to just ride the wave. For no one's sake but mine.

Bonfire tonight. Ria texted; looking for a mini-block reunion. Could use their company; could use that of my shadow more. I hope April's hanging in there; rough end to the sem. I remember the feeling; it was only months ago. See, I'm in 1 of those moods again. 

Haven't written anything this week; I've written a lot over the past few. I don't mind the sudden dry spell. Best to ride the wave, perhaps dive into some reading, not for inpsiration but just because. Not everything needs a reason; there's calm to be found in the elipses...

Ate Lucy comes rushing in. "Did he come in here?" she asks me in Filipino. "Who?" "The crazy man." "Who?" "A crazy man broke in thru the back entrance!" 

I look out to the printing press; people are standing around looking concerned. I go back to my seat & take a sip of water. I notice my mug: remnants of coffee. I look to the clock; I'll be leaving in an hour. I take the cup & decide to wash it. Trouble at the door; it's locked. I open it, allowing Kuya Cece to come in. 

The printing press people who couldn't care less about the crazy man commotion eat dinner: McDo this time; suweldo. I wash my mug by the sink; pass by the office to get to the nice CR. Jamie's discussing security w/ a secretary; I take a leak. On my way back to my corner office, I see the buzz of discussion; I hear little. I'm back behind my desk. Kuya Cece's at his desk, w/ earphones on. It's quiet. I'm alone. Cool.

(3)

Things to consider:

- The picture represents a moment.

- Looking at the picture is going back to that moment.

- Time elapsing means change, moving away from that moment.

- The desire to look at the picture means meaning.

* Did you concretely & honestly elaborate on these points in your piece, especially the last?

Here, choice of tone & details to be included are vital for a more subtle & complex exploration as opposed to mere react-&-reflect. Maybe read "Zero Gravity" again for inspiration. Notice choice of detail, how they're described, the subtle acknowledgment of time/change, the TONE...

Push yourself!

Again, it's late & I'm alone. "I Just Called to Say I Love You" playing from Kuya Cece's computer. Just finished making comments on the last of my students' essays. I've read maybe 10 today. Plus 4 poems. English & Filipino. I rush them to school early tomorrow morning. Then back to the office, to the chair I sit on now, in front of a screen that stares back at me at least 40 hours a week.