She makes me feel

Wednesday. She* makes me feel like I’ve lost it all. Ill-phrased inquiry an attack of character. Or so it seems. She walks paces ahead, crossing the street without even a hesitation for a farewell to hold on to.

consider a child / forbidden to speak / to her father, / like in Micronesia / where uncles serve / as intermediaries, / voices in a vacuum / with only echoes / of suppressed cries.

Perhaps I’ve touched deeper (with words) than where I’ve been to (physically) before, a pain with no tradeoff. My fault. Gone too far.

Huwebes. Katahimikan. Wala ang halakhak mula sa kusina sa baba; wala si Nanay. Si Tatay di ko makikita; nasa Batangas para sa trabaho. Transpo strike, ayon sa balita; wala ang boses ng jeepney drayber: ang destinasyon di malinaw.

A few years ago. Statement shirts are out, says GQ via a friend. They fill my closet.

Two sides to every story. I facing down, nose pressed against dirt while a refusal to hit with words acts like a foot trapping my head in place. Can hardly breathe.

Call (voice in tears): Tell her to go home.

consider the friction / of Time and Tradition, /

Text: If you’re a respectable person…

where men search / for greener pastures, / they say, leaving / children with fathers / and what silence / can entail, echoes /

Maraming tao sa food court, nagkukuwentohan.

of whimpers, howling / of hope lost. crickets /

Ngunit parang tahimik pa rin; ang kuskos lamang ng maunting pag-asa na makikita ko siya, na magusap.

outside chirp— /

Sa oras na nakalipas: dalawang teks, isang reply.

Weekend. Three bottles and more. Forgiveness and more.

My favorite is the green one, BURP! splashed in white. There’s another one: 100% doctor recommended, mother-in-law approved. Irony.

the sound of legs / rubbing together / to the rhythm / of the dangling / of a child's feet.

__________

*Kung iniisip mo na siya yun, baka tama ka, baka hindi. Ngunit kung iniisip mo siya naman yun, baka mali ka, o baka tama ka rin. Importante ba? Baka. Baka rin hindi. Totoo ba? Malamang. Ngunit ano ba talaga ang katotohanan? Anong paki mo? Buhay ng persona 'to. Ako ba yun? Baka. Anong paki mo ba? Ngunit kung interesado ka, salamat. Para sa akin. Para sa kanya. Para sa siya. Creative nonfiction lang, dude. Sulat lang nang sulat.